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Tuesday, May 04, 2004
Ugh! So here it is 1:30 in the damn morning and I can't sleep as usual. I'm so sick of this! I have 3 finals tomorrow and if I do bad because of lack of sleep I'm gonna be soooo pissed! I'd take one of my beautiful little sleeping pills, but it's too late for that and I'll end up sleeping through my alarm.

I found out today that textbooks for my summer classes are gonna cost $500!!! That's just for summer classes....a semester not even filled with that many credits. I think I'll have to find a way to beg Daddy for some money or else it's time to go sell myself on the street. LOL!! J/k, I'd never do that.....but I might strip if desperate :)

I talked to Chris today and the Florida plans seem to be coming along like clockwork. Yippee! 2 whole weeks just roasting on the beach. I can't wait. Of course, you can't go to a party town and not sample the night life, so I'm sure I'll do my fair share of partying as well. But I'll have to be a good girl 'cause I'm with Jason now and wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardize that. I'll just put my blinders on and try not to look directly at all the very fine, half-naked men that'll be around.....I have the willpower.....I think :P

1:36 AM
Saturday, May 01, 2004
Damn! I didn't realize how long it had been since I had written anything in here. I had better get on the ball. So what's new with me? Only everything! Let's see, I left California about a year and a half ago, and am now back in Colorado. Boulder to be exact. I got into the University of Colorado and am finally getting good grades for once. Mom got married, my brother Scott got married.....damn, I think I'm the only one who didn't tie the knot in the last year. When I moved back here Bill and I started seeing each other again, but true to form, after a year and a half, he walked away once again. It's all good though, because I've met the sweetest guy in the world, Jason. I worked with him at Wal-Mart for 9 months and after months of flirting and being close friends, we finally got together. It's new and exciting so I feel like a giddy little school girl :)

So today was the last day of the spring semester! Woohoo!!! I must be an idiot for taking summer classes. I'm gonna be so sick of school soon. Ok, well I don't have much else to say for now. My brain is a little slow 'cause I haven't slept much lately. In fact, I think it's time for a sleeping pill......

1:06 AM
Saturday, October 05, 2002
Here I am on a Saturday afternoon, sitting around in my pjs being bored as hell. How is it that my mom is off in Cancun and I'm sitting here stuffing my face and watching tv? I should probably go out and run errands or go for a walk in the park, but I think I feel too lazy for that. I'll just sit here and watch "Cruel Intentions" and depress myself by thinking about the time I watched it with Bill. Oh well, OU football comes on pretty soon!! Woohoo!!! GO SOONERS!!!! I better go get all decked out in my crimson 'n cream so I can cheer my ass off! I guess that'll be the highlight of my pathetic day......unless there happens to be a good party tonight, though I highly doubt that......for being California, the party scene and nightlife here really suck.
4:19 PM
Friday, October 04, 2002
HAHAHA!!! Ok, I've come to the realization that I truly don't have an ounce of sex appeal. I mean, no matter how hard I try to fit the part of the flirtacious, sexy girl, it just doesn't work for me. When you're a natural-born dorky klutz like me, it's hard to be anything but. Here's what happened to me today. I'm still laughing about it. I went to fill up my car with gas and in the middle of pumping, a car pulled up behind me and a really cute guy stepped out. I was so relieved that I actually took time to get ready today and didn't go out in the jeans, sweatshirt, and ponytail that I ususally go out in. I decided that since I'm getting pretty good at this "talking to random people" thing, I'd just try to look a little more friendly and up the sexy factor. Anyway, I got up the nerve to give him a little smile......of course I've found that it doesn't work if you don't look at him while you're smiling. Hahaha! Then, when the car was all filled up, I put the nozzle back in the holder and went to press the "print reciept" button on the pump. Sounds easy, right? Well apparently not for me. I wasn't watching where I was stepping and I tripped over the gas hose. HAHAHA! It was so hilarious. I would've been fine and the guy probably wouldn't have noticed, except that I fell into the side of my car and made a huge "SMACK" sound. make matters even worse, the reason I tripped was 'cause my foot got caught in the hose and when I fell into the car, the nozzle was ripped out of the holder and came crashing to the ground, making yet another loud noise to draw attention. I gathered myself together and quickly tried to put everything back and get the hell outta there, but as I looked back at the guy, he had this huge smile on his face and I just know he was thinking, "hahah! what a dork." I'm done trying to be cute and sexy. If there's a guy out there who wants me, he's gonna have to deal with plain ol' Tiff. :)~
7:09 PM
Saturday, September 28, 2002
Today I went back to the online message board that I used to post on. It was the anxiety and panic disorder forum and I used to visit it a million times a day. Anyway, I went today just to see if anyone I used to talk to was still around, and how they were doing. Turns out, there are quite a few of my online friends still there and from reading their posts, it seems they aren't much better than they were all those months ago. It really made me proud of myself to know that I've come so far in such a little time and did it all without meds. I mean, just 10 months ago I was so overwhelmed with panic that I couldn't even open my front door and look outside without having an attack. I was housebound for 2 months. And now here I am, holding down a job, going back to school and meeting new people everyday. It's crazy to me. I know I complain about how much my life sucks and blah blah blah, but if I just take a step back and see that I could still be like my MWC friends and be miserable with panic attacks everyday, it seems like things aren't quite so bad. So that's my attempt at a positive thought for the day. Hahaha!
2:18 PM
Wednesday, September 25, 2002
I'm excited!! Last night on campus I met this absolutely gorgeous man. I don't remember his name, but I remember he's really hot, and that's what matters right? Hahahaha!!! Oh, and he's Brazilian. Yummy! He's got that sexy accent and everything. He's in my calculus class and during our break he came up and started talking to me. I was thinking, "What the??? This NEVER happens to me." It's weird, school's been in session 3 days and already 5 random guys have started conversations with me for no apparent reason. I mean, I've just been either reading a book or doing homework somewhere around campus and have just been minding my own business. I don't get it. Maybe the reason I'm not used to it, is 'cause in Oklahoma, I didn't ever go to campus. Hahahaha!!!!
Today was Staff Appreciation Day at work and I know I'm loved because the company gave me (and everyone else) a towel. Neato, huh? I think a raise would've made me feel reeeaallly appreciated. :) Damn, I'm so freaking tired. I'm used to being a lazy ass and now I'm constantly on the go. This "taking responibility for my life" thing is too exhausting. :)~

7:38 PM
Monday, September 23, 2002
*sigh* Some things just never change. Why do I always get all excited when a new year of college starts, thinking "it'll be so great this year, and definitely better than the last." I should've learned by now that it never happens. Today was the first day of classes at Foothill and yeah, it was pretty nice, but there is still so much crap I've got to overcome in order to make good grades. There hasn't been a single semester/quarter that I haven't had one of those professors who can't speak english worth a damn. I always get them!! It never fails!! I wouldn't mind so much except for the fact they always teach my most difficult classes. It's hard enough for me to understand all of those mathematical and physics concepts, but no no no, now I also have to strain to understand each word that comes out of their mouths. According to my physics professor, my name is now Stiffa Cadrens. Yeeeaaah. This is gonna be an interesting quarter. And then in my sociology class, I find out that it's all based on oral presentations and debates. I took the class because I figured that a "marriage and family" class would be an easy A and a nice relaxer class to balance out my calculus and physics classes. But no, my life is never that easy. Now I'm totally starting to worry about having to give a 5 min. presentation in front of all those people. I know I'm a lot better than I was just 8 months ago, but I still don't think I'm at a place where I'm comfortable doing public speaking. Getting up in front of everyone and getting so freaked out that I end up puking or having a major panic attack is just not worth it to me. So now, I have to go see my instructor and play the "I have anxiety and panic disorder" card and see if I can get a make-up assignment. So far, last semester, my teachers were all very understanding about it and I'm sure it won't be a problem this time. If worse comes to worse, I'll just drop the class. I don't need it anyway. Someday I'll get over this anxiety crap, and I'm so much better than I was, I mean, I'm back in school and working again, but I certainly can't rush it. One little class isn't worth taking 10 steps backward in the "overcoming emotional disorder" department. But on a happier note, the people at school seem so friendly. I think 6 people came up to me and just started casual conversation. I'm really not used to that at all. But today really was a pretty good day. I'm probably just a little bitchy 'cause I got up at 6:30 then went to class and then went to work for the rest of the day. I'm exhausted. It's time for bed. :)

7:43 PM