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Today I went back to the online message board that I used to post on. It was the anxiety and panic disorder forum and I used to visit it a million times a day. Anyway, I went today just to see if anyone I used to talk to was still around, and how they were doing. Turns out, there are quite a few of my online friends still there and from reading their posts, it seems they aren't much better than they were all those months ago. It really made me proud of myself to know that I've come so far in such a little time and did it all without meds. I mean, just 10 months ago I was so overwhelmed with panic that I couldn't even open my front door and look outside without having an attack. I was housebound for 2 months. And now here I am, holding down a job, going back to school and meeting new people everyday. It's crazy to me. I know I complain about how much my life sucks and blah blah blah, but if I just take a step back and see that I could still be like my MWC friends and be miserable with panic attacks everyday, it seems like things aren't quite so bad. So that's my attempt at a positive thought for the day. Hahaha!
2:18 PM

I'm excited!! Last night on campus I met this absolutely gorgeous man. I don't remember his name, but I remember he's really hot, and that's what matters right? Hahahaha!!! Oh, and he's Brazilian. Yummy! He's got that sexy accent and everything. He's in my calculus class and during our break he came up and started talking to me. I was thinking, "What the??? This NEVER happens to me." It's weird, school's been in session 3 days and already 5 random guys have started conversations with me for no apparent reason. I mean, I've just been either reading a book or doing homework somewhere around campus and have just been minding my own business. I don't get it. Maybe the reason I'm not used to it, is 'cause in Oklahoma, I didn't ever go to campus. Hahahaha!!!!
Today was Staff Appreciation Day at work and I know I'm loved because the company gave me (and everyone else) a towel. Neato, huh? I think a raise would've made me feel reeeaallly appreciated. :) Damn, I'm so freaking tired. I'm used to being a lazy ass and now I'm constantly on the go. This "taking responibility for my life" thing is too exhausting. :)~
7:38 PM

*sigh* Some things just never change. Why do I always get all excited when a new year of college starts, thinking "it'll be so great this year, and definitely better than the last." I should've learned by now that it never happens. Today was the first day of classes at Foothill and yeah, it was pretty nice, but there is still so much crap I've got to overcome in order to make good grades. There hasn't been a single semester/quarter that I haven't had one of those professors who can't speak english worth a damn. I always get them!! It never fails!! I wouldn't mind so much except for the fact they always teach my most difficult classes. It's hard enough for me to understand all of those mathematical and physics concepts, but no no no, now I also have to strain to understand each word that comes out of their mouths. According to my physics professor, my name is now Stiffa Cadrens. Yeeeaaah. This is gonna be an interesting quarter. And then in my sociology class, I find out that it's all based on oral presentations and debates. I took the class because I figured that a "marriage and family" class would be an easy A and a nice relaxer class to balance out my calculus and physics classes. But no, my life is never that easy. Now I'm totally starting to worry about having to give a 5 min. presentation in front of all those people. I know I'm a lot better than I was just 8 months ago, but I still don't think I'm at a place where I'm comfortable doing public speaking. Getting up in front of everyone and getting so freaked out that I end up puking or having a major panic attack is just not worth it to me. So now, I have to go see my instructor and play the "I have anxiety and panic disorder" card and see if I can get a make-up assignment. So far, last semester, my teachers were all very understanding about it and I'm sure it won't be a problem this time. If worse comes to worse, I'll just drop the class. I don't need it anyway. Someday I'll get over this anxiety crap, and I'm so much better than I was, I mean, I'm back in school and working again, but I certainly can't rush it. One little class isn't worth taking 10 steps backward in the "overcoming emotional disorder" department. But on a happier note, the people at school seem so friendly. I think 6 people came up to me and just started casual conversation. I'm really not used to that at all. But today really was a pretty good day. I'm probably just a little bitchy 'cause I got up at 6:30 then went to class and then went to work for the rest of the day. I'm exhausted. It's time for bed. :)

7:43 PM

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